You program yourself to fail.

Too punchy for a first post? Maybe. But I don’t exactly have the impression of being someone who holds back either.

In my short time of having coached women, this is one of the most dangerous things I’ve seen people do to themselves. Human beings are the most blessed creatures and we’re the only species who have the opportunity to grow up with such vast range of life experiences. Yet oftentimes, it turns out to be a curse for some. Growing up with helicopter/hyper-critical parents/caregivers, school life, college life–most of us from a subconscious idea of how much we are truly capable of. And this is my belief: human beings are capable of anything, and are only held back because of their own beliefs and limitations that they put on themselves.

When I hear someone say, “I cannot let go of XYZ” (XYZ being the toxic people in their life) here is what I hear: “I’m hooked on to intermittent reinforcement of affection (which is more addictive than steady show of love by the way), I believe I always have to struggle and earn love, and I haven’t spent enough time being alone by myself to have the self confidence to know that if I stop holding onto people who are quietly destroying my mental equilibrium, I will most definitely fall apart.”

Let me tell you something: I have seen that the people who struggle to let go people and relationships are more often than not, the exact kind of people who need to learn how to live alone. They do not know themselves well enough to not have their self worth and image be dependent on something other than the connections they form with other people. Now hear me out: connections can be wonderful. Are they necessary? To a point. Human beings are social creatures by design. Will you survive without them though? Absolutely, and before you thread yourself into another connection, you must absolutely be clear on who you are without it. Not because people cannot be trusted and they leave. But because when you do not know what a connection truly adds to your life, your entire view of yourself gets constructed around it, making it the center of your self-image progression. You automatically begin linking every good personal progression or good thing that happens to you to the connection. Let me proceed with an example: you recently began dating someone and just got a promotion. Your brain relies heavier on “I couldn’t have done this without you”, than “your support in this made me perform way better than I could have alone.” See the difference?

The former perspective makes the connection the Sun, and you a planet orbiting it, and the latter makes you the Sun, and the connection orbits it. That is the backbone of a healthy connection.

The limiting beliefs we put on ourselves are often not our own in the first place. They are the voice of our parents or a caregiver, a critical sibling, a childhood bully, a teacher who made you cry, or an old memory of trying so hard at something, hoping to win and still failing. Seeking comfort zone is a natural response, but making it a crutch is a road to self destruction. When you can pause your thoughts, look back and deep inside, really find out whose voice it truly is that is trying to prophesize your failure, half the work is already done. Most people are 80% relieved to just know that the voice isn’t theirs. The next step then becomes slowly identifying and setting your own beliefs, following up and giving your brain a stack of proof to rely on that signals to your nervous system automatically that you are indeed, capable of taking risks and surviving them. That can only be achieved by doing hard things, again and again, until doing the challenging, hard thing becomes your new normal.

You can program your brain to actually seek the challenge as a form of enjoyment. The most productive people are actually driven less by the outcome, and they thrive in the struggle more. They enjoy it. They crave conquering it. And that information will be revealed in another post.

Signing off,

Shrey.